Gooey blob in the middle of the road identified as Stetson man who melted (Humor)

Stetson authorities called in scientists from around the world to help them identify a large gooey puddle that was found in the middle of the road early Wednesday morning.

A local resident was walking along, seeking a “Cleary” that had popped up on his “Pokémon Go” app when he slipped in something in the street.

It was a mainly clear puddle, with a few semi-solid clumps of matter, and there was a distinct smell of iced coffee permeating the area.

Police were called, because in the middle of the mass were some personal items, such as a watch, some currency, a few coins, and one of those electric flyswatter thingies you find in the discount stores.

Since Tuesday was trash day in the neighborhood, police initially thought the goo had leaked from a garbage truck, but Doctor Ima Foo-Lenya from the New England Center For Sciencey Things ruled that out almost immediately, stating that something with as much liquid would most certainly have evaporated in the direct sunlight, and recent high temperatures.

A sample was gathered, and a tarp was placed over the puddle to secure the scene, as police went door to door to ask locals about anything they had noticed.

Police spoke with one woman who was worried about her husband, who had not returned from a late night walk. High temperatures had prevented the man from sleeping, and he thought he might find relief by taking a stroll in the somewhat cooler night air.

Authorities knew they had found a break in the case when his wife confirmed that large horse flies, and an earlier tragedy in the area involving blackflies, had prompted the man to carry an electric fly swatter with him, any time he went out for a walk.

Shortly after, Dr. Foo-Lenya confirmed that the substance contained near equal quantities of human DNA, and iced coffee.

“Apparently, the heat had just been too much for him, and he melted away,” stated Dr. Foo-Lenya. “In weather like this, it is very important to stay hydrated, but for this unfortunate fellow, it just wasn’t enough.”

Another scientist, Dr. Karl Fullapoo added, “It appears that the guy, who was a bit of a large man who hated the heat, had consumed mass quantities of fluids throughout the day, and evening hours. Those beverages, along with the man’s own internal fluids had begun to melt and congeal. Something must have happened, like swatting a mosquito perhaps? And the poor guy just popped like a water balloon!

A macaroni salad and hotdog dinner will be put on to help raise money for a memorial swimming pool to be built in the man’s honor at some time in the future.

In the meantime, the man who slipped in the goo did catch his “Clefairy”, as well as a pack of “Rattatas”!

Doug Alley

About Doug Alley

I grew up in Bath, Maine in an upper lower class family with 3 step sisters, a step brother, and a little sister. After high school I spent 3 years serving in the USAF at Elmendorf AFB in Anchorage AK. I've competed in, and won, demolition derbies. I've competed in, and never won, stock car races. I am the 47-year-old father of an 11-year-old boy who is pretty sure he is smarter than I ever was. We live on a little less than an acre of land in a 1973 mobile home in Stetson with my wife Jen, some cats, a few chickens, and rabbits, and a couple of goats. I hunt, fish, camp out, dabble in photography, gardening, and I cook in variable degrees of near success.